(Picture : Paulie, the author of the lyrics below)

I hate sundays evening. They are depressing. I cannot get out of my head this poem a friend made for me (or rather a song maybe)

In a dream
You were sitting there waiting by the door for me
And I got the opportunity
To experience the experience once again
How it could have maybe been

But in real life
You're in another world
You're with another guy
Who doesn't have to cheat
And never has to lie
And all that stuff I didn't get
Come so easy to him
He doesn't even have to try

But do you ever ask yourself
How it could have maybe been

I haven't been that bad
But I haven't been that good
Overmisunderstood
Oh I wish I really could
Enjoy the warming sun
Enjoy a warm someone
And end the need to hide
Away alone inside

In a dream
You were sitting there waiting by the door for me

(From my dear Paulo : http://themoonriver.tripod.com)

I hate dreams, because you eventually have to wake up.

-Written on April 22nd-

Igern and I have often been speaking of "emptiness" lately. Emptiness, nothingness, abyss, vaccum, void. Basically, she says that “Nothing “is”, nothing exists and accepting this, embracing the void, is the ultimate beauty”. That's very basic and rough translated, Igern would be better than me at explaining it. Oh and God, I disagree with her with all my soul and heart. Because the very thought is just depressing, because I just will not believe in such a terrible thing. That's why Igern calls me an idealist, because I want to believe in something and in others (Yes, even though I pretend to be a cold bitch, I do believe in individuals). Igern says she despites all idealists but still loves me because I am an idealist but I have, I quote, “a beautiful soul”. I believe in creation as strongly as she believes in emptiness. I always want to believe in “maybes” when she awaits nothing. I don't want to live in a world where nothing holds a meaning. Where nothing can be expected. That's what makes me weak and makes Igern strong, I thought at first. But in fact maybe that's wrong, maybe I'm the strongest with my stubborn way of always trying to find something, anything, than Igern when, bearing with her emptiness, her void leaves her depressed. Of course my idealism leaves me depressed as well sometimes, quite often actually. But I always stand back up thinking “Everything will turn alright” while... well I'm not sure about Igern. I don't think she's happy, to be honnest.

Anyway, I was reading “Hell” once again. I'm sure I already told you about that book. I first read it when you broke up with me which was a bad move because the book is horribly depressing, which did not help at first. It's just another love story, two kids from the “West of Paris.” The West of Paris, 16ème arrondissement, Tour Eiffel, Champs Elysées are where the “jet set” lives, it's the kids from rich industrial, political, famous people. So anyway... The book is about Elle and Andréa, but also about nothingness. : “Truth is we don't know what to do because we have everything we can possibly desire. The world became too small when we were 8 years old, having seen it all for the tenth time”. That sounds very ironic but I do know a couple of friens like this, B. and M. for instance, and that's just sad because it's true “We have everything possible, what's left?”. And seriously, I'm glad to be just me. I think I lost my point again, I don't know anymore what I wanted to prove.

Anyway! (again, I know, I know) I remember telling Igern “I'm in love” and her smiling back at me, saying “You're lucky, it must be wonderful, so how does it feel to be in love?”. I remember when you weren't here anymore and that I lost interest in everything. I remember not wanting to see anyone, not wanting to talk to anyone but you. I missed you. I remember some of the things I said too. I hate to admit it but I also remember saying all those things because I wanted to hurt you as well, because I was hurt, sad, depressed, jealous, lost and all the things I told you back then were also applying to me. I was like a small child : I just fell in the sand, hurting myself, so I pushed someone in the sand. Cruel, silly and/but childish. I remember wanting to tell you how much I loved you and how much we had to spend our lives together anyway because it was meant maybe. And you could have told me to go to hell because I disserved it. But you did not, you never did. Even when my wounds brought the very worst out of me and I let it fall on you, even then you kept trying to understand, you kept loving me. I am not quite sure that I disserve you but I know that I am very lucky. And happy. Because you make me feel, a million things. I feel more alive since you, the colors have a different shade and tastes are not quite the same. Every little thing is enhanced.

See “Hell” is also sad because two morons have too much pride to forgive each other, or simply to say “I'm sorry for what I did” and they lost each other. Definitively, no turning back. I remember when I thought you were lost to me and I feel this kick in my stomach. There's not even a word to describe how much sad I was. The worst is I really thought that eventually I would get better. I never really did though because you always had to be on my mind, at least in the back of my mind at worse and anyway, everything and everyone was full of you, or bringing me back to you. And, how stuck up of me but, knowing that you still loved me was the hardest. I couldn't accept to end our story because I knew you still loved me. I almost did a couple of crazy things actually but I thought it would not be for the best maybe. And I did try to hide it at times and be reasonnable but I still believed you would come back. I wanted to believe it and I am glad that I did. I apologize for badgering you but to be totally honnest I don't regret badgering you. When I tried to give up, there was still a part of me that still wouldn't give up on you, no matter what because you still loved me. Oh and that's why I asked you so many times if you still loved me, to have something to hang on to. You were so stubborn so I had to learn to be patient. And I waited. I had nothing else to do but wait for you. If I had stopped waiting on you, it would have meant it was over but I could not accept to put an end when you still loved me.

To come back to this whole “emptiness” subject. That's when I had a glimpse, a taste of emptiness. When you left. I can't quite describe it. Maybe only the word “meaningless” could describe it. I would wake up, I would go to my job, sometimes have enough courage to see a couple people but I felt dead. I was surviving but not living.

Before meeting you, I tried to not let it be too obvious but I was already an idealist, I was already seeking something, something to make life worth, something to believe in. I wasn't seeking love, I wasn't seeking you but I wanted to believe in something. Then I met you. And now I know, emptiness doesn't exist, one makes it. Emptiness is created, just like goals are. Because sometimes if you are lucky enough, you will find something that will fill everything. I found you, or maybe you found me, and you filled everything. And I became even more of an idealist. Because you gave me a glimpse of heaven.

I love you, Shawn. In fact, that's all I really wanted to say.

o/` From Eowgala to Saboth o/`

:. Two names there, deeply engraved on a stone,
:. Dae shore and its midnight sky were our inn,
:. Looking east for a reflection of this time now gone,
:. I feel a single, tickling tear dying on my chin.

:. I remember the awakening of springtime love,
:. and our travels together would never end.
:. Mana wove our web of dreams from above,
:. Memories gone, absence, my love was spent.

:. When topaz glows where the Muses dance,
:. I find  inner  peace within these lands.
:.Everlasting beauty always within our grasp.
:. Years pass slowly beneath Dae's sands

.:Eow.